It’s been a week since Halloween blew into our lives in the form of a wet, dreary evening. Still, the weather wasn’t going to dissuade the boys and girls from trekking through past-their-prime neighborhoods and sopping front yards in order to get those goods. Yep, the treats in that old Halloween standard rallying cry “Trick or Treat!”

For my kids, the first thing they do once they return from the “confection harvest” as I like to call it(or what I decided to call it right now) is to dump their candy treasures on the living room floor and start separating the goods from the not-so goods. There’s bartering between these miniature ghouls for each other’s treats. A Milky Way for a Three Musketeers…or a pumpkin-colored Twix for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

Owen: Hey dad. Do you like Butterfingers?

Me: Yeah.

Owen: Here you go.(throws Butterfinger at my head)

Me: Owww!! Dammit!

But once they’ve gone through their bags of candy and have separated the “good” candy from the “mom and dad” candy, there remains that lonely, depressing pile my son affectionately refers as “crappy candy”. It’s a pile of sadness. A pile of confection history. It’s a reminder of bygone eras where boys still dressed as Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman. Where girls happily went out as a Princess, Barbie, or Strawberry Shortcake. When guys like Tor Johnson, Richard Nixon, and William Shatner were still fun, novelty masks you could buy at the five ‘n dime. So basically, this is candy well past it’s prime. So here’s an ode to those candies lost in time, and long past retirement age.

Mike and Ike

FullSizeRender (5)I don’t who Mike and Ike are, and I really don’t care to know. Their candy looks like prescription meds in gummy form. Kids aren’t interested in this crap. Please, if this is the kind of candy you’re going to give out at Halloween, just shut off the porch light, close your curtains, and hide in the basement until the purge is over. Or maybe give it to your elderly neighbor.

Tootsie Roll

FullSizeRender (7)Okay, maybe you don’t know this, but the March of Dimes gives these out when I give them a handful of pennies as I’m in my car at a stoplight. I think I have four or five Tootsie Rolls in my glove box right now. I use them to plug leaks, or fill cracks in my drive way. I think Eisenhower dropped these from B-52 bombers on the North Koreans. Please, just stop with the Tootsie Rolls. If you give these out again next year your house will be marked for egging. Consider this fair warning.

Pixy Stix

FullSizeRender (8)Hey. Thanks for the kiddie cocaine, man. While you’re at it, got any candy cigarettes or licorice pistols? C’mon, knock this crap off. Colored sugar sticks don’t count as candy. You may have gotten away with this in the 70s, but not anymore. Something chocolate or go to Hell.

Sun Chips

FullSizeRender (3)I like Sun Chips. Whole grain snacks. I prefer these to potato chips, actually. But guess what, THEY’RE NOT F*****G CANDY!!! While you’re at it, you can feed that g*****n popcorn ball to the crows. Nobody wants a stale ball of popcorn. And that apple? F**k no.

Sunflower Seeds

FullSizeRender (4)Okay, so the Sun Chips wasn’t enough so we add insult to injury with this? Sunflower seeds? I don’t recall us going trick-or-treating at Grace Village Retirement Community so I’m not really sure how this bag of f*****g sunflower seeds ended up in a bag of trick-or-treat candy. Who does this? A sadist, that’s who. Thanks though, our g*****n parrot will love ’em. That is, if we had a g*****n parrot.

Peppermint

FullSizeRender (11)Hmm, I didn’t know anyone ate these besides after eating pizza. I think my grandma used to keep peppermints in a glass dish on her coffee table when I was a kid. Nobody ate them, though. They were just there for show. In fact, they were there more for color scheme than anything else. Keep your hard candy to yourself. Nobody wants it.

Laffy Taffy

FullSizeRender (9)Taffy is great. Saltwater Taffy from Coney Island? Perfect. But we’re not on the east coast. We’re in the Midwest, so we have to take what we can get. Laffy Taffy isn’t so bad, unless it’s banana-flavored. Who eats banana-flavored anything? Nobody, that’s who. Strawberry, grape, cherry, watermelon…these are acceptable flavors. Banana? Go to Hell. Just,…just go to Hell. You know, Nestle came out with banana-flavored Quik when I was a kid. Within a week people burnt the Nestle plant down and Glenn Close boiled the Nestle bunny alive on Michael Douglas’ stove top. Stop with the banana-flavored anything.

Smarties

FullSizeRender (10)I think anyone over the age of 5-years old will pass on Smarties. These are cheap, effective tools to get your 4-year old to pick up their toys or to keep them quiet while going through Walmart, but that’s it. They’re nothing more than chewable Tylenol without the healing effects, or rejected Flintstone vitamins. You could crush them and snort them I suppose, but why would you do that? You’ve already got the Pixy Stix for that. If you’re thinking of handing out Smarties next year, don’t. Just don’t. Your car will be egged, soaped, and your dog will be dyed some weird color for your insolence.


 

 

So remember folks, don’t give out the crappy candy. Give out the keepers. You may see that carton of Necco Wafers or the Slow Pokes or the (shudders)Junior Mints and think “Hey, these are cool retro candies the kids would like”. Well the kids won’t like them. Neither will their parents. Fight the urge to be an a**hole on Halloween. You will be remembered. You will be ridiculed. You will be punished.

Found on the side of the road the morning after Halloween, wet and covered in road filth. Take heed.
Found on the side of the road the morning after Halloween, wet and covered in road filth. Take heed.

 

About the Author jhubner73

This is where I drop the spat and spittle, the sentimental fat and drivel... Music and such, and maybe a word or two about a word or two. Midwest point-of-view, without all that religion and gun stuff. Intellectually unintellectual. Elitist for the pizza and beer crowd. Grab a bean bag and lounge in the basment for a while, won't you?

16 comments

  1. Sorry, I disagree. Smarties (or as they are actually called in Canada – Rockets…Smarties are Canadian M&Ms) are awesome! I have always loved them. I would sneakily buy a bag of them at the store and hide them in my room for a little sugar high. Same went for Tootsie Rolls and Pops.
    I used to like Mike and Ikes as a kid, but they have changed their flavouring since then.
    Junior Mints rock.
    In Canada, Laffy Taffy, pixie stix, sunflower seeds and SunChips are unheard of for Halloween offerings so I don’t have much to say there.
    I do agree about the peppermints.

    In Canada, the gross candy was the Halloween Kisses, which are molasses type candy wrapped in wax. I used to hate these, but my neighbourhood loved giving them out, so I learned to acquire the palette for them:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Halloween Kisses are the worst. It’s old person candy here. Unwrap one and you can smell a senior citizen’s pantry.

      I appreciate your insight. I guess I’m just pickier than the average trick or treater. Or I should say, umm, my kids are.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry, I’ve gotta disagree with y’all. I love those molasses Kisses. The dark ones better than the light ones, but both will do. And I’m not an old person (OK, I’m older than a child), but I always liked those things, even when I was a kid. I liked horehound candies too.

        You’d love to have me around, at Halloween – you could unload all of those ‘crap candies’ on me and I wouldn’t complain! Anyway, that’s just my two cents. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Smarties. Just can’t do ’em. If they throw a candy at kids in a parade and they remain in the street that should say something. Just my opinion.

      And I like York Peppermint Patties, so maybe it’s just an shape/size thing with the Junior Mints.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. See them Tootsie Roll things, they’re rather odd. Tasty odd. Haven’t had them in a good while, but I was a sucker for them, Reece’s Cups and the Babe Ruth bar when I got my hands on them.

    Those Smarties aren’t Smarties, though. Smarties here are the same as those ‘Canadian M&Ms’. Only not Canadian. A few years ago I used to sink box after box. Seriously. I was heavily addicted to them. Them and Buttercup cough mix are quite a combo …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really need to investigate these alternate universe Smarties. I think I might like your and Sarca’s version.

      Reese’s Cups and Babe Ruth are the good stuff. I like Paydays as well.

      Like

      1. We have friends who moved from Toronto to Connecticut a while back, and when we went to visit them, all our one friend asked us to bring her was Smarties from Canada. We took several 4-packs of them, she was thrilled!

        Like

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