It’s been a week since Halloween blew into our lives in the form of a wet, dreary evening. Still, the weather wasn’t going to dissuade the boys and girls from trekking through past-their-prime neighborhoods and sopping front yards in order to get those goods. Yep, the treats in that old Halloween standard rallying cry “Trick or Treat!”
For my kids, the first thing they do once they return from the “confection harvest” as I like to call it(or what I decided to call it right now) is to dump their candy treasures on the living room floor and start separating the goods from the not-so goods. There’s bartering between these miniature ghouls for each other’s treats. A Milky Way for a Three Musketeers…or a pumpkin-colored Twix for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
Owen: Hey dad. Do you like Butterfingers?
Owen: Here you go.(throws Butterfinger at my head)
Me: Owww!! Dammit!
But once they’ve gone through their bags of candy and have separated the “good” candy from the “mom and dad” candy, there remains that lonely, depressing pile my son affectionately refers as “crappy candy”. It’s a pile of sadness. A pile of confection history. It’s a reminder of bygone eras where boys still dressed as Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman. Where girls happily went out as a Princess, Barbie, or Strawberry Shortcake. When guys like Tor Johnson, Richard Nixon, and William Shatner were still fun, novelty masks you could buy at the five ‘n dime. So basically, this is candy well past it’s prime. So here’s an ode to those candies lost in time, and long past retirement age.
Mike and Ike
I don’t who Mike and Ike are, and I really don’t care to know. Their candy looks like prescription meds in gummy form. Kids aren’t interested in this crap. Please, if this is the kind of candy you’re going to give out at Halloween, just shut off the porch light, close your curtains, and hide in the basement until the purge is over. Or maybe give it to your elderly neighbor.
Okay, maybe you don’t know this, but the March of Dimes gives these out when I give them a handful of pennies as I’m in my car at a stoplight. I think I have four or five Tootsie Rolls in my glove box right now. I use them to plug leaks, or fill cracks in my drive way. I think Eisenhower dropped these from B-52 bombers on the North Koreans. Please, just stop with the Tootsie Rolls. If you give these out again next year your house will be marked for egging. Consider this fair warning.
Hey. Thanks for the kiddie cocaine, man. While you’re at it, got any candy cigarettes or licorice pistols? C’mon, knock this crap off. Colored sugar sticks don’t count as candy. You may have gotten away with this in the 70s, but not anymore. Something chocolate or go to Hell.
I like Sun Chips. Whole grain snacks. I prefer these to potato chips, actually. But guess what, THEY’RE NOT F*****G CANDY!!! While you’re at it, you can feed that g*****n popcorn ball to the crows. Nobody wants a stale ball of popcorn. And that apple? F**k no.
Okay, so the Sun Chips wasn’t enough so we add insult to injury with this? Sunflower seeds? I don’t recall us going trick-or-treating at Grace Village Retirement Community so I’m not really sure how this bag of f*****g sunflower seeds ended up in a bag of trick-or-treat candy. Who does this? A sadist, that’s who. Thanks though, our g*****n parrot will love ’em. That is, if we had a g*****n parrot.
Hmm, I didn’t know anyone ate these besides after eating pizza. I think my grandma used to keep peppermints in a glass dish on her coffee table when I was a kid. Nobody ate them, though. They were just there for show. In fact, they were there more for color scheme than anything else. Keep your hard candy to yourself. Nobody wants it.
Taffy is great. Saltwater Taffy from Coney Island? Perfect. But we’re not on the east coast. We’re in the Midwest, so we have to take what we can get. Laffy Taffy isn’t so bad, unless it’s banana-flavored. Who eats banana-flavored anything? Nobody, that’s who. Strawberry, grape, cherry, watermelon…these are acceptable flavors. Banana? Go to Hell. Just,…just go to Hell. You know, Nestle came out with banana-flavored Quik when I was a kid. Within a week people burnt the Nestle plant down and Glenn Close boiled the Nestle bunny alive on Michael Douglas’ stove top. Stop with the banana-flavored anything.
I think anyone over the age of 5-years old will pass on Smarties. These are cheap, effective tools to get your 4-year old to pick up their toys or to keep them quiet while going through Walmart, but that’s it. They’re nothing more than chewable Tylenol without the healing effects, or rejected Flintstone vitamins. You could crush them and snort them I suppose, but why would you do that? You’ve already got the Pixy Stix for that. If you’re thinking of handing out Smarties next year, don’t. Just don’t. Your car will be egged, soaped, and your dog will be dyed some weird color for your insolence.
So remember folks, don’t give out the crappy candy. Give out the keepers. You may see that carton of Necco Wafers or the Slow Pokes or the (shudders)Junior Mints and think “Hey, these are cool retro candies the kids would like”. Well the kids won’t like them. Neither will their parents. Fight the urge to be an a**hole on Halloween. You will be remembered. You will be ridiculed. You will be punished.