Dumba**

my left toe
Frankentoe

So this is what happens when your big toe on your left foot plays a game of chicken with a 60 year old Wurlitzer console piano.  It really happened within a matter of seconds.  Two or three extremely painful seconds.

So I took the day off in order to get the house in order before ten screaming 10 year olds come to my house tomorrow afternoon for my second oldests birthday party.  Yeah, she’s turning 10.  So I was about 4 hours into some serious feng shui action.  I was needing something…different, in the house.  We’re about 3 weeks into a 5 week wait for our new furniture to arrive.  We gave our old sectional couch to my mother-in-law and bought new for us.  Well, we weren’t thinking ahead and gave her the couch only two days after ordering our new stuff.  So for the last three weeks our living room hasn’t been a living room.  It’s been a waiting room, filled with chairs.  For a guy like me that has to have everything in order, all neat and tidy, this has been especially painful.  So finally today I did some rearranging and I think I’ll be able to last the final two weeks.  In my feng shui buzz, I decided I needed to move the piano(this happens more often than you’d think with me).  Well, after moving it to the new location, the bastard was too big for that particular spot so I had to move it back.  Well, the old girl got more momentum than I had anticipated and it rolled over the top of my big toe.  I had slippers on when it happened and as I hurried to remove my slipper to see the damage I was afraid I’d find a horrilbe bloody mess.  I was right to expect that.  Imagine what happens when you smash your thumbnail when hammering in a nail…except you were holding the nail between your big toe and second toe.  And instead of a hammer you’re using a piano.  It was something like that.  I rushed -as much as you can rush hobbling- to the bathroom and proceeded to run the tub water over my toe.  My God, was that brisk-feeling.  Wait, what I meant to say was that m**********r hurt like a m**********r.  Language leaked from my mouth much like sewer gas escaping from a manhole.  That string of expletives made most of the dialogue in The Last Detail seem like an episode of Masterpiece Theater.  As I sat there watching the blood pool on my toe like some sort of podiatry nightmare I began to get a little light-headed.  Not sure if it was because of the sight of blood, the pain, or the thought that I still had a bicycle to put together, but I held onto the tub wall till it subsided.  I pulled it together and got out of the tub and dried my foot.  I wrapped a kleenex around it and finished what I needed to finish.  Hydrogen Peroxide works well in removing blood from carpets, just so you know…in case you cut an artery whilst dusting the mantlepiece.

So, my day off didn’t turn out quite like I’d imagined it would.  Besides nearly crushing my big to into oblivion it hasn’t been too bad.  My daughter’s birthday isn’t technically till Monday, so the bike can wait till then.  There’s beers in the fridge, and a copy of Wire’s Pink Flag I picked up just today spinning as I type.  I’m sure tomorrow will be fun, so I’ll have to cancel my German clog dance for the party.  Instead, maybe a soft shoe number to the soothing tones of Taco, or Falco.

left toe bleeding
Piano>ToeDSC03587

13 thoughts on “Dumba**

  1. His highness Roly Poly Pumpkin Butterball has been awakened by my laughter. He is not amused.

    Dude. Isn’t there a feng shui rule about where the piano belongs in the house? Shouldn’t it stay there?

    I hope the festivities are fittingly festive and no one is harmed during the bicycle assembly. (Should you consult a feng shui manual about where to assemble it to maximize the harmony between you and the parts?)

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    1. And I’m not one to let sleeping dogs -or pianos- lie. I have now learned to let that bastard indeed lie, whilst I get my arse bit.

      This Butterball character, is he the same one leaving fur balls in your study?

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    1. It’s certainly helping, as is this Guinness Black Lager sitting next to me.

      The first three Wire albums are essential listening. Pink Flag is a breath of much needed fresh, angst-y air.

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  2. Whoa it’s like a song by Carcass, or Cannibal Corpse, ‘Piano Smashed Toe’.

    I think you’ve got the cover of your next album right there. So every cloud …etc.etc.

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